|Picture by MMPR – Unsplash
Now, in the cover of her home, she swung onto her bed and cried. And with uninhibited anger, she hit the pillows fervently to emblematize beating herself for the years of enduring non-appreciation and humiliation, for her obstinate stupidity and the wasted unfulfilled years. She had arrived home at about 2pm, and had lay on the bed crying, reflecting and being angry at herself till she was exhausted and drifted to sleep. Then she woke up at about eight in the night.
The weather was humid and her pillows remained damp from her tears earlier in the day. She pulled herself up from bed and into the shower where she spent over an hour shedding more tears at remembering her dishonour, as she termed it. Her tears mingled with the water that ran down on her head through her face and body.
She came out of the shower more relaxed with a damp towel tied around her chest; a towel she had used to dry up the water on her body and hair. She took her pajamas from her wardrobe and wore, then changed her pillow cases and calmly knelt on the floor with hands folded over the bed. She looked up at the frame of the Sacred heart of Jesus and the Immaculate heart of Mary hung on the wall over her bed side and presently facing her. She stared at the amiable countenance of the two images and could not find words to say to them. Then tears and anger began to gather within, forming a frown in her stare. Then she blurted out a cry and let the tears flow again sinking her face onto the bed with hands out-stretched on the bed.
Having shed much tears in that position, she got up, still frowning but looking away from the images, obviously still angry with them for the promises of fruits of labour they did not fulfill for her in her job. And she lay on her bed facing the ceiling; thoughts lined up to fill her night.
First in position were the memories of her time and efforts in the company. She now felt drained of energy for wasted years and labour of using her youth to better others’ dreams at the expense of hers. She had only wanted to work for a while, she reminded herself again, to learn and have a field experience requisite for her own self-employment. But liabilities and the continued economic hardship caused by incompetent and corrupt self-serving leaders, who lacked the sense of service for country but chockfull in senseless greed, made and kept her insecure to leave the employment, she justified again. Feeling spent, she doubted having that strength of youth requisite for self-employment at middle age.
Then she wondered about whom she might have offended in the organization that was so unforgiving as to vent such vindictiveness upon her. But she would have pleaded had she been told of her offence, she thought. Or did the offended think that it was not a dispute she would feel guilty enough to apologize for? Did she appear to be an impenitent person before her colleagues and superiors? She did not think so. She had remembered occasions when her conscience bit her for wrongs against some colleagues and then she apologized to them at the times. She knew herself to be conscious of rightness and wrongness and endeavoured to be on the former for her peace and communion with her Father in heaven and for sleep at night. She was also conscious of man’s capability at evil for which she reasoned to be why Jesus warned in Matthew chapter 5: 23 to 24 to reconcile with your brother before approaching the altar with gift to God.
To continuously not make a promotion because external candidates and her junior colleagues always had a factor above her, as she was always told, made her feel inadequate in spite of her continuous effort at self-improvement and confidence. She remembered seeing the mocking eyes of other juniors and the smug of the ones promoted above her; she had borne them with continuous diminishing morale battling with her façade of indifference towards them. Now, she has been discarded like a used rag with no more value to the owner. Feeling self-defeated, she did not think she had the confidence to look for another job. What if she was the one with a problem and rejections by other organizations would only justify the stagnancy in and lay-off from her former employer? Was she really that inadequate and did not really know it? Or was this feeling of inadequacy just a phase as a result of her sadness? If she was that useless, then what was she doing here on earth? Of what use was she if people did not see her value; or had she been self-deluded all this while thinking she added any value to the business of her former employer or to anyone’s life? Then, should she end it all; end this useless life which no one would miss anyway?
Continues in Part 3…
Written by IfeanyiChukwu Oluwafemi Chukwudi