|Picture by Luis Galvez – Unsplash|
She closed her eyes, then tightened them as she wept within, tears streaming down to her ear lobes. When she opened them she turned to look at Jesus and Mary whose gaze were unflinching at her. They appeared sad for her. ‘Is this why some people kill themselves?’ she asked the images, ‘Because they feel inadequate, unappreciated, invisible and dispensable?’ But she did not hear any sound of response, nor she was not expecting to. Then she chuckled slightly in self pity, ‘But you know I cannot do that, right? You are my hope; in You my soul finds rest like St. Augustine. I only want to cry it all ou…t!’ She blurted out tearfully, raising her torso and knees, and then, bowed her face over the bended knees, and her arms wrapped around the posture, weeping. Her religious inclination does not approve of suicide, neither did she condone it. She only allowed the thought in order to relate to the feeling of those who committed the act. If only they had foundation in God, their souls would not be so restless, because they would have found uninterrupted solace in their Maker amidst earthly tempests. And even when they are angry with Him, like she was now, for the troubles He allows them to go through, they will always find counsel, peace and happiness in Him still. ‘If only they would live beyond their earthly limitations and uplift themselves by the power of Your Holy Spirit into Your spiritual Presence to contemplate and know You, to speak with You and to pray to You, to just have a relationship with You, like I do, perhaps, they would not contemplate suicide’. She said to the images, and then thought, ‘They would enjoy the fruits of the Holy Spirit: peace, joy, love, genteel, kindness and the rest that the world and those limited by it cannot understand’. However, she admitted inwardly, she probably did not understand entirely the ‘ailment’ of depression and the consequent suicides that had followed some. She felt she could only continue to pray for the healing and enlightenment of her fellow ‘men’ and the world. But, asides praying, what could she also do to produce these healing and enlightenment since prayer should go with works?
Remaining in the same posture a while longer, her reflections on her faith began to gradually erode her self-degradation. Sighing, she admitted inwardly that she was not intellectually inadequate or useless; and her output had been optimal. She knew that many people [not to mention her family] loved her and if there were those who did not, it could not be her problem but theirs; they had not openly accused or privately accosted her to complain. On the other hand, it is the company’s negligence and loss in letting her go. Her absence, she knew, would create a vacuum that only a meticulous, dedicated and passionate person as she, could fill.
A good friend had once told her that, ‘When you realize that you’re not growing in a company in spite of your efforts, then you are better off setting up yours where you will definitely grow with the effort.’ She raised her head, looking forward at a spot on the wall facing her; her face twisted into an angry squeeze. She began to visualize her own vengeance. Yes! She would revenge by starting up her own business after all, and channel all her energy into succeeding in it just to shame and destroy that of her former employer’s. She narrowed her eyes and chuckled within as she visualized her victory. Again, she turned a frown to the frame on the wall, those unflinching gaze, looking disappointed. Ashamed, she turned away from them, and as her anger deflated her head began to ache as the rest of her face. A slight pain found its way to her heart and she placed her hand on the chest area; her thought had deviated from good to bad again as a result of the anger that still lingered within. ‘Vengeance is God’s; my business is to do His will for me on earth. Hardly have I contemplated revenging than the ills began to manifest. And, starting a business with such mindset would only cause some mistake and a backfiring self-destruct. I’ve seen it before and will not be part of it.’ She turned back to the two hearts on the wall, ‘I am sorry. Please, restore my health to do Your will.’ And she lay back on the pillow, eyes gently closed.
Continues in Part 4…
Written by IfeanyiChukwu Oluwafemi Chukwudi